I just wanna feel...

Era ceata si frig de dimineata cand am pasit pe treptele blocului. Metroul a fost aglomerat si am intarziat la curs. Dar am avut (si inca mai am) o mare pofta de viata. Asa ca am petrecut ziua asta pe melodiile lui Robbie Williams.

La 21 de ani:

- stiu exact ce vreau sa fac in viata, pentru prima oara :)) fotografie + galerie de arta
- my head speaks a language I don't understand
- mi-am propus sa nu iubesc prea serios. Before I fall in love, I'm preparing to leave him... 
- nu mi-e teama sa imi exprim sentimentele, orice valenta ar avea (pozitive/negative)
- ma consider mai French decat oricand
- merg la concerte rock si ascult in acelasi timp Taylor Swift, fara sa-mi pese de opiniile voastre
- imi place sa imbratisez oamenii si am inceput s-o fac din ce in ce mai des
- mi-e dor de mare si as vrea s-o vizitez iarna
- nimic nu mi se pare imposibil, nimeni nu e prea sus pe scara asta imaginara pentru a putea comunica cu el/ea
- imi iubesc iPhone-ul
- I like dating. si atat.
- citesc Cella Serghi si ma regasesc atat de mult in ea...
- ma trezesc la 6-7 dimineata si a inceput sa-mi placa
- mi-e frica sa raman singura acasa, doar eu si gandurile mele si de aceea hoinaresc toata ziua prin oras
- o admir pe Coco Chanel
- dansez mai mult ca oricand
- I got too much life running through my veins...

Happy birthday to me! 

 

I'm a rockstar, baby

Lately been feeling like...

Feeling so good
Looking so bad

Rocking this skirt
Rocking this club

I'm a rockstar
Hey baby
I'm a rockstar
Hey baby

I never play the victim
Id rather be a stalker

 

And sometimes I get nervous...

[fragment din jurnalul unei tinere]

'M-am urcat astazi in masina, trantind portiera zgomotos. M-am lipit de scaun ca si cand m-as fi cufundat intr-o imbratisare afectuoasa. Am inchis ochii si am expirat tot aerul toxic de Bucuresti care-mi stagna in plamani.

Mi-am adunat nervii in sufletu-mi speriat si mi-am promis ca am sa-i eliberez in curand, intr-o cursa nebuna. Am pornit motorul si am alunecat usor din parcare, trecand la cativa centimetri de masinile parcate alaturi. Simteam cum ochii mi se umezesc pe masura ce acceleram. Odata ajunsa pe autostrada, am pus melodia celor de la The Killers (Human, evident) pe repeat si am lasat sunetele sa imi inece deznadejdea. Am inspirat adanc si mi-am inghitit orice urma de lacrima. Am strans in palme volanul atat de tare precum te strang pe tine in brate inainte sa pleci. Nu te-ai intrebat niciodata de ce te tin atat de mult la pieptul meu, de ce iti miros parul fin, de ce incerc sa-ti conturez trasaturile fetei cu buzele inainte sa te urci in acea nenorocita de masina si sa pleci departe de mine?

Ti-ai facut un obicei din a pleca si a ma lasa sa ratacesc singura pe strazile unui oras care pare ca ma inghite. Pun pariu ca nu stii cata frica imi e de orasul asta parfuit si aglomerat. De fiecare data cand pleci, ma urc in masina si gonesc ca o descreierata pe strazi, pe autostrada. Cel mai mult imi place pe autostrada fiindca stiu ca acolo nu este nimeni care sa se holbeze disperat de curios la mine prin geam. Biata pedala de acceleratie se apleaca supusa sub talpa mea autoritara si simt cum te regasesc in sunetul ascendent al motorului.

Daca in general sunt nehotarata si tematoare in ceea ce priveste depasirile, astazi am reusit, cu un curaj care nu stiu sincer de unde provine, sa o zbughesc pe langa oricare Dacie, Peugeot sau BMW care-mi statea in cale. Nu m-am mai intrebat ca pana acum, de 1000 de ori, daca intr-adevar merg mai repede decat masina respectiva sau nu. Am vrut sa merg mai repede.

Close your eyes, clear your heart, cut the cord...

M-a calmat drumul de astazi, condusul catre o destinatie necunoscuta m-a facut sa realizez care este de fapt destinatia mea cand nu sunt la volan. Mi-am dat seama ca am atatea lucruri de facut si eu alerg fara sens pe o autostrada plina de gropi si denivelari, in loc sa accept faptul ca te vei intoarce. Mereu te intorci. Si acum zambesc, e timpul sa revin cu picioarele pe pamant si sa-mi vad de viata...'

And does he drive you wild, or just mildly free?

Iarta-ma fiindca n-am stiut sa-ti citesc gandurile. Te cunosteam, dar cu toate astea nu am fost in stare sa inteleg ce simti.

Iarta-ma pentru ca am distrus jocul nostru, pentru ca mi-am exagerat rolul si am fost eliminata. Iarta-ma ca nu am ramas copil cand ma sarutai ca un parinte, iarta-ma ca te-am sedus cand aveai nevoie doar de o imbratisare, iarta-ma ca nu te-am crezut cand m-ai iubit.

Te stiam rautacios, iubitule, insa tu m-ai iubit. 

Iarta-ma fiindca ti-am fost amica atunci cand aveai nevoie de o iubita, fiindca m-am jucat atunci cand trebuia sa fim seriosi, fiindca am refuzat sa ma indragostesc cat timp m-ai iubit. 

Russian roulette

Vreau sa mori azi, iubitule. Vreau sa imi curat prin uitare toate urmele pe care mi le-ai lasat pe intreg trupul si sufletul.

Vreau sa iei cu tine tot ceea ce am avut: strangi toate amintirile, imaginile, obiectele care ne-au apartinut, le pui inapoi in sufletul tau si le ingropi odata cu tine. Mi-as dori sa plangi, sa iti amintesti de ziua asta. Mi-as dori macar sa-mi vorbesti, sa ma trimiti in Infern, acolo unde oricum vom ajunge amandoi tinandu-ne de mana.

Vreau sa ma asigur ca vei muri asa ca aseaza-te in fata mea. Inspira adanc si dezveleste-ti inima. Uita-te la arma pe care o tin in mana. Uita-te cu mare atentie la ea fiindca ea-ti va aduce moartea. Degetele mele se muleaza usor pe metalul rece in timp ce mii de fiori imi strabat corpul. Vreau sa fie atat de liniste incat sa te ingrozesti de faptul ca poti auzi cum aerul intra si iese din proprii-ti plamani. Te rog sa inspiri adanc in timp ce eu numar pana la trei si sa inchizi ochii. Iar cand vei auzi zgomotul facut de glontul care se indreapta arogant catre tine, te rog sa deschizi ochii.

Uita-te cum mana mea te trimite in Infern, iubitule. Uita-te cum stropi de sange manjesc camasa ce-mi incatuseaza trupul. Inima-mi sangereaza odata cu a ta, o vezi? Lacrimi mi se rostogolesc nestavilite pe obraji. O durere de moarte imi cutremura trupul si capul mi se pleaca. Iti simt privirea arzatoare urmarindu-ma. Uita-te cum mor, iubitule...

Personalizing our life: change

We've all surely been in that situation where our close friends came to us telling the events they've just been through and asking for advice. "Tell me what to do, how to act!" is a line we've heard so many times.

What did we answer to that? "Oh, I don't know, just be yourself, do what you think is right to do." In a way, it is correct to do that; after all, we don't have the right to tell people, not even our closest friends, what to do. On the other hand, though, we could personalize our answers and give them a piece of advice. People are free to choose whether to act accordingly or to make their own decisions.

The way we act changes people's perspective on us. We all know that by now, don't we? But what do we do in situations when people already know us, our reactions and our behaviour, but we have changed and we want to show them exactly that?

We have the option to behave completely different from what we used to behave like in the past. This will prove we have changed, but, at the same time, it could give the wrong impression that we are exaggerating in our attempt of acting differently. We could seem overwhelmed by the situation, crazy and even unstable.

We could, on the other hand, act normal. And by normal I mean, speak, walk and listen exactly the way we feel like doing it at the moment. If someone upsets us, we should show it. If we perceive them as great friends, we should tell them. The impression they are left with is subjective and, as long as we have done all we wanted to do, this shouldn't affect us too much. If they ask for explanations, we can give them some, that is if we are willing to.



It is funny, after all, to watch people trying to adapt to a different you. It is interesting to observe the way they're struggling to explain to themselves the changes they see in you or the changes in their personal perception (can perception not be personal???) of you. Did they interpret you the wrong way? Did they treat you badly because they didn't know your real feelings? Did you really change? Does this mean everything is changed or just some parts of you? and this could go on.


Personal artwork

Personalizing our life: We believe in belief.

People need to believe. They need to believe in anything that’s strong enough to arouse this feeling in their minds and hearts. They need to believe in something higher than any ordinary thing. And whether that thing is God, luck, a person, a dream, an object, it makes no difference. People believe.

Sometimes, their belief is stupid. Of course, from their point of view, it cannot possibly be categorized as stupid since it helps them cope with everyday problems. No, it is stupid from the point of view of those who believe in nothing, of those who hardly believe in themselves, who barely crawl their way through life. Although most individuals have such a motivation factor in their life, there are people, you see, who believe in nothing, who have absolutely no faith in anything, material or abstract.

Still, if we say that they believe in nothing, it’s still something above them that they trust and follow. Being motivated by nothing is...just as logical as believing in something positive. Why? Because those who are motivated by nothing have a typical attitude of carelessness, of laziness, of hopelessness. You can’t deny it; it’s a lifestyle. It’s stupid and it’s “nothing” because we, those who believe in something positive, such as God or ourselves, find absolutely no sense, no logic, no faith in something that’s below us. And for that reason, we are indeed superior. We create the illusion of happiness if there’s none, we set goals for ourselves if there are none, we find rewards for ourselves if there are none. We make ourselves better by just believing in something. And this simple and sincere attitude of trusting, of hoping, of working hard for achievements is exactly what we believe in. We create our belief by creating ourselves. We believe in belief.



Personal artwork: